Right now I and all of South Florida are being bombarded with Christmas music. What’s that thing called, where the Army blasts loud, bad music as a form of auditory torture, leading to a lack of sleep, insanity, hostages being released and cartels destroyed? Yeah, that’s what’s happening here. Almost every radio station started playing Christmas music 24-7 starting around mid-November.
Ironically, the only radio station that doesn’t play all Christmas music is Dork Radio, which is sticking with its format of The Lettermen, Sammy Davis Jr., The Carpenters, Connie Francis, and Disney show tunes.
I like Christmas music and I’m already sick of it. My daughter, who hates Christmas music, has her iPod earphones permanently lodged in her ears. She may get her hearing back on Dec. 26.
So again, I ask: Why must everyone record a Christmas album? When a radio station plays the same 27 Christmas songs, sung by people in 13 different musical genres, it creates a weird sensation: Every singer has to try to give it his own spin, which is a recipe for disaster. Nearly all the women and many of the men try to make the song unique by running through an entire scale of notes instead of just singing the note. (Settle that thing down, wouldja, Mariah Carey? Pick a note and hold it, for chrissakes.)
As a result, they all sound bad. Just bad.
The last time I shared album covers with you (
“Just For the Record”) it was a hoot, so here’s my Christmas gift to you: Christmas albums that should never have been recorded.
Bad hair, ill-fitting hot Santa suits, chest hair, necklaces . . . how much can one Christmas album take?
