Putting the 'Bum' in Christmas Album

Why must everyone record a Christmas album? Sure, some people probably should - people like Celine Dion and Michael Buble. But if you’re a rapper or a hip hop or funk artist or were ever cool - ever - you really should steer clear of The Little Drummer Boy or anything with as much as a fa or a la in it.

Right now I and all of South Florida are being bombarded with Christmas music. What’s that thing called, where the Army blasts loud, bad music as a form of auditory torture, leading to a lack of sleep, insanity, hostages being released and cartels destroyed? Yeah, that’s what’s happening here. Almost every radio station started playing Christmas music 24-7 starting around mid-November.

Ironically, the only radio station that doesn’t play all Christmas music is Dork Radio, which is sticking with its format of The Lettermen, Sammy Davis Jr., The Carpenters, Connie Francis, and Disney show tunes.

I like Christmas music and I’m already sick of it. My daughter, who hates Christmas music, has her iPod earphones permanently lodged in her ears. She may get her hearing back on Dec. 26.

So again, I ask: Why must everyone record a Christmas album? When a radio station plays the same 27 Christmas songs, sung by people in 13 different musical genres, it creates a weird sensation: Every singer has to try to give it his own spin, which is a recipe for disaster. Nearly all the women and many of the men try to make the song unique by running through an entire scale of notes instead of just singing the note. (Settle that thing down, wouldja, Mariah Carey? Pick a note and hold it, for chrissakes.)

As a result, they all sound bad. Just bad.

The last time I shared album covers with you (“Just For the Record”) it was a hoot, so here’s my Christmas gift to you: Christmas albums that should never have been recorded.

 Eilerts Jul wants YOU to see his red jumpsuit, his Elvis sideburns and his sparkles.

 “Santa, you’re our only hope!” I’m not sure if you can read the bottom line, but it says, “Featuring the Original Cast: R2-D2, Anthony Daniels as C-3PO.” Was that in their original contract? From the looks of R2D2’s posture, I’m thinking he’s not too happy about this.

 Featuring the ever popular “All I Want for Christmas is a Bucket of Extra Crispy in my Arteries.”

For getting down with your bad self at the holidays.

 Bad hair, ill-fitting hot Santa suits, chest hair, necklaces . . . how much can one Christmas album take?

 Oh dear. And that’s about all I have to say about that.

 The Kris Krigle Caper is a rerun. So disappointing.

 That is so weird. The last time I wore a garland as a onesie, I did this dance, too!

 Put down the weinerschnitzel and no one gets hurt.

 The Mom and Dads are back! And this time Mom has a baby blue leisure suit. Who’s the lucky Dad?

 Strangling on a red ribbon was not Pierre’s idea of a happy holiday.

 Who says you have to win American Idol to get a recording contract?

 With seven children, you can imagine how disappointed the Day family was when it was only Jack Benny who came down their chimney.

 The horse better know the way to carry the sleigh in the white and drifting snow. Because Ray Charles is at the reins.

 Featuring the hit “Bite Me.”

 Is it just me or does Santa look like he’s been “switched on” to something other than cookies and milk? Don’t let him near the children after he's been on the Moog synthesizer.

 This is what I’m talking about. At what point in the come-to-Jesus talk does a band agree to take a stab at a comeback via a Christmas album? Tears of shame, maybe.

 If Tiny Tim could get any creepier looking . . . never mind. He can’t.

Xmas Done Got Funky . . . and done got topless.

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