Rules of Engagement: Think Before You Order the 8-by-10

When I got engaged, my engagement photos weren’t even on my Freak Out Wedding Plan radar screen. Granted, I was engaged in simpler, more primitive times, the ‘80s. But still, engagement pictures were the least of my worries: Fitting into the limo with big hair and wet nails was a much bigger concern.

I called up a friend of mine who had a camera, threw on a white lacy blouse, put on some lipstick and blush, and sat on a rock near some trees while he took eight or nine shots of me. I picked the one that made me look skinny and pretty and submitted it to the local newspaper.

Done. Check. On to picking out a veil.

There are some fantastic engagement photo shoots going on right now. Don’t get me wrong: I love what people are doing with engagements and weddings now. I’m all for creative engagement photos. What I don’t understand is how a professional photographer feels obligated to keep every single shot they take. Some are blurry. Some are not very flattering to the bride- and groom-to-be. Some have eyes closed.

And some are these.

You’re Too Sexy for Your Engagement Pictures

OK, we get it, you’re into each other. Kinda figured that, since you’re engaged and all. I’m sure the sex will be amazing.

Thanks for sharing your re-creation of the sex-on-the-beach scene from From Here to Eternity. We’ll call you.

Who has a rape fantasy? Not me. What? 

You’re Trying Too Hard to Pick a Unique Setting
There may be a good reason no one has ever had their engagement pictures taken there

Look! On the horizon! It’s our mortification over our engagement photos 25 years in the future.

Choose your setting carefully. More carefully than that . . . even more . . . more than that . . . Keep going . . .

And the St. Joseph statue tried to facepalm but, well, he’s made out of cement.

You’re Aware Other People Will See These, Right?

Hold my jacket. What are you thinking? Let me use you as a pillow. Carry my stuff. Have my babies. Isn’t it a pretty day?

Let’s hope she’s a laugher. ‘Cause if she’s screaming or crying, this guy’s in for it.

Do these two even like each other? 

. . . Otherwise we’d just see her back.

You can’t escape by crawling up that wall. Silly.

“Ha ha ha! Yeah, that’s gotta go.”

OK, so your love is dead. I see no reason to celebrate that with a photo shoot.

One more shot and then you can go pee.

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