Weird Shit in the Store

I have a bone to pick with stores. They discontinue some good stuff, but they use up valuable shelf space with some really weird products.

My stores no longer carry Lestoil, which was the only thing that could get oil and grease stains out of clothes, and Quaker Wheat Cakes, which were crunchy and delicious. But I really doubt that anyone is going to buy pigs’ feet in a jar or lye soap, yet the stores I go to have them right there for anyone who is still living in 1935. And who still eats head cheese?

About a month ago, I started taking photos of some of the stupider things I found in stores. I had to be sneaky, because I didn’t want any of the store personnel getting all suspicious. (“Code 8” means “blogger type taking pictures of the undesirable merchandise.”)

Bad Globes

I found this in Target’s home interiors department. Apparently, it’s not accurate, because there’s a big warning label on it. I think Africa might be missing. So if you’re a geography teacher, don’t buy it. If you’re a interior designer looking for something in the International theme, go at it.

Racist Book Shelves

I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw this in Target. Segregated books? Especially since it had been all over the news about Walmart separating out “black books” from “white books.” If it’s written by a African-American author and it’s about African-American characters, let’s put it with others of its kind, where it will be happiest. Walmart got bitch-slapped by the media for doing it. Target, apparently not wanting to reorganize its entire book department, came up with a solution: Fill its Recommended Reading shelf with all African-American authors, too:

That’s makes it all OK, right?

Dog IQ Tests

Who needs opposable thumbs to do puzzles? Don’t believe the look of pure joy on that dog’s face on the “Seek-a-Treat” box. No self-respecting dog I know would get a kick out of earning treats this way. What do you think he’s saying? I’m going with, “I’ll shuffle your bone . . .”

Squeaky One-Legged Chicken Pirate Dog Toys

For dogs who can’t play Shuffle Bone because of gasoline-fume brain damage, but who deserve rewards anyway.

Anti-Democrat Greeting Cards

The fact that these were still in CVS’s card racks 2 1/2 years after Obama was elected, can mean one of two things: Some people are still not over the shock that “the black guy” was elected president, or no one has bought the cards yet.

Everything on the Spanish Shelf at Walgreens

Because it’s in Spanish, I don’t know what this stuff is, but none of it looks very appealing. Hispanics in America must have a terrible time with foot fungus, because there’s a lot of “hongo killer” and the like.

Some things, though, I wish would not translate so well:

Ah, placenta shampoo and conditioner! Just what the Guatemalan obstetrician ordered.

Toys for Young Jews

The ancient Hebrews really knew how to play, didn’t they? Today, your children, too, can play fun Passover games, just like their ancestors. You’ll love to watch them fight over who gets the firstborn dead baby finger puppet and who gets stuck with boils. This was in Publix, conveniently located right above the gefilte fish. L’chaim!

Gross Food

Canned meat is just not necessary. Unless you’re a soldier in Napoleon’s army or a survivalist living in Arizona and are planning to hide out in your underground lair until the second coming is over, what’s the point? This Hormel Roast Beef and Gravy looks more like dog food than dog food. And $3.89? Really? Good luck with that.

As scrumptious as “Squid (Pieces) in Ink Sauce” sound, I think I’ll take the “Cockles in Brine,” please, because I don’t have the foggiest notion what they are.

Octopus is the one sea creature that completes the series of Living Things That When Dead Should Not Be Put in Your Mouth.

Of all the fruits . . . Of all the fruits to mix with butter, why?

Well, of course the Cock Flavored Soup is spicy. Duh.

Even Grosser British Food

According to Wikipedia, Treacle is pudding in a can. According to the dust on the cans in Publix, no one is buying it.

It’s getting hard to leave the grocery store without visions of penises in your head. Come on, Brits, you can’t think of a better name for pudding in a can? How about “Treacle?” (Sometimes I think the English just want to be difficult.)

Shit No One Uses Anymore

I think my grandfather used this in 1959. If your husband uses shaving powder, maybe it’s time to upgrade to the 2.0 version of a man.

I haven’t seen blue water in a toilet since the year my grandfather stopped using shaving powder. You know how it says, “Leaves the bowl sanitary!”? Actually, it just leaves the bowl blue. Besides teaching young children a lesson in the color wheel (when yellow mixes with blue, it makes green!) I don’t see the point.

Food That is Gourmet to the Point of Being Sickening

Gourmets and foodies must love Publix. They have a gourmet mini-sub-section of every part of the store. Here in the condiments section, surrounded by the lowly mustard, trailer-trash ketchup and that fat-ass skank, Miracle Whip, sits Lemonaise. Lemons and mayonnaise are two ingredients that should not be mixed together, put in a jar and sold to unsuspecting shoppers.

Religious Food

I know we’re supposed to use the Bible as a guide for life, but someone decided it could also be a great resource for recipes. But is there really Spelt and Beans in this cereal? And what’s spelt? I’d look it up, but I’m afraid it’s treacle.

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