Warning: Dying May Cause Death

You’ve probably seen these funny warning labels before. I’m posting them anyway because a) they continue to be stupid funny even the second and third time you see them and b) you never know when someone might accidentally eat a peanut, not knowing it contains peanuts, because names and labels can be so confusing these days. So this blog might save a life.

Manufacturers claim they’re forced to put warnings on their product labels that are obvious to everyone except Amelia Bedelia, because if they didn’t, someone would do something misuseful and then sue the pants off of them, claiming that they didn’t know any better.

A Forbes article wraps it up nicely: “These cases basically boil down to two principles. First, companies must take care not to put customers in ‘unforeseen" danger, assuming that those customers act in a "reasonable’ manner when using a product or service. Repeatedly jabbing a bottle of Coca-Cola in your eye and suing for damages probably wouldn't fly in court. Second, companies have to provide sufficient warning of "foreseeable" danger. Hence the proliferation of all those goofy warning labels on products and websites.”

I don’t know about you, but that makes me want to repeatedly jab a bottle of Coke Classic in my eye, just to see what happens. The article said probably wouldn’t fly in court.

So here are some real life product warning labels. Read them and obey. Or die.

Don't operate car when sunshade is in place.

This product may contain nuts.

This product may contain eggs.

May cause drowsiness.

Do not use while sleeping.
Unless you're that girl from the weird addictions show who sleeps with her hair dryer, and then you go, girl.

Contents may catch fire.

The Vanishing Fabric Marker should not be used as a writing instrument for signing checks or any legal documents . . .

Do not put any person in the washer.

Not to be used for navigation.
“But captain, we can’t be in the Bermuda Triangle. The cocktail napkin says we’re headed straight for Persia”

Keep pet birds out of the kitchen when using this product.
“Many animal owners call us inquiring about it,” a company spokesman for Bialetti cookware said.  Well, many animal owners are idiots.

Do not use for personal hygiene.
Unless you smell like a latrine.

This product moves when used.
God willing.
Ask a doctor before using if you have difficulty urinating due to an enlarged prostate.

Do not eat iPod shuffle.
Who says Apple products are intuitive?

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