Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Body Scanners?

The Playmobil Airport body scanner finally answered the question: What do Playmobil people look like naked?

I know I’m alone in this, but I don’t see what the fuss is about the new airport security. People are freaking out about the "I-can-see-you're-in-business-class" body scanners, but they’re even more upset over the alternative: being patted down in your privates by a stranger.

The aversion to the body scanners has got to be a guy thing. Any woman who has had a baby has already let way too many strangers see her naked. A few more TSA personnel shouldn’t make a difference. When I had my babies, I had groups of doctors and medical students come in and gawk at me. At least I think they were doctors. They could have been the cleaning staff; what did I care, I was having a baby, damnit. I would spread my legs for anyone who walked in the door if there was a chance someone could figure out how to get this baby out.

I think that later today, when the airport frenzy reaches its peak for the year - the crowds, the crying babies, misbehaving children off their leashes, New Jersey accents, the $9 salads, and then when the Ruby’s runs out of liquor - people are going to be willing to do a lot more than spread their legs if the pain would just go away.

Scan me, I don’t care. Scan me and pat me down, go ahead. Whatever it takes. Just make it stop.

And about the reported protests - you know, the ones where average Americans take a stand against the body scanners on the busiest travel day of the year, the thing they dread more than anything, the protests where they purposefully drag out the whole process and insist on a feel-up pat-down just to prove a point - I don’t know anyone who would take that kind of stand. And I’ve got almost 600 Facebook friends. So I think I would know.

I’ll wear impractical clothing, fake a hearing impairment, limp and make them put me in a line for the dressing room and drag the whole process out to about a half hour, causing me to miss my flight and spend the night in a plastic chair. That’ll teach ‘em!

Of course, this is all easy for me to say. I’m not traveling today. My son is, though. He’s got to get from Phoenix to West Palm Beach through Atlanta. I just sent him a text that said: Just take the body scan and be done with it.

He’ll still be able to face himself in the morning.

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