It's in the Stars

I don’t do horoscopes. I have trouble believing in stars and planets, let alone that they might affect my life. Sometimes I even forget what my own sign is. (That line never worked on me; I just appeared out-of-touch. “What’s your sign?” “Uh, some animal, I think? Or a crustacean?”).

But once a year, on my birthday, I enjoy reading prophesies about myself.

I share a birthday with some pretty remarkable people, so it’s interesting to read our birthday horoscopes and know that Matt Damon, Dennis Kucinich and I will be going through the same stuff this year.

Here are some other people who share my birthday:

Juan Peron, president of Argentina
Gus Hall, leader of the Communist Party USA
Isadore Shar, founder of Four Seasons hotels
Sue Randall, the Beaver’s teacher
Rona Barrett, professional gossip
Sonny Barger, famous Hell’s Angel
Paul Hogan, Crocodile Dundee
Jesse Jackson
R.L. Stine, Goosebumps writer
Chevy Chase
Sigourney Weaver
Johnny Ramone, famous Ramone
Stephanie Zimbalist, sexual tension provider on Remington Steele
Reed Hastings, founder of Netflix
Darrell Hammond, SNL guy who played John McCain hilariously
Soon-Yi Previn, Woody Allen’s stepdaughter/wife
Nick Cannon, Drumline guy
Angus T. Jones, the little kid on Two and a Half Men

Here’s what our birthday club will be going through this year, according to the stars and planets:

“There may be an inclination to put on some weight, if you don’t watch your appetite and/or choice of food.”

Did you hear that, Sigourney? I’ll work on it, you work on it, and we’ll meet at Jenny Craig.

“Cleaning out closets, re-organizing the environment in which you live and work, and other such activities come to the fore.”

Cleaning out my pantry will be easier just knowing that Jesse Jackson is doing his, too.

“2011 will be ruled by Uranus.”

Did I mention that Uranus is our romance planet? I’m thinking Soon-Yi should keep her options open.

Our Style Horoscope tells us to be more like Belgian model Hanne Gaby Odielle. Hanne was born in 1988, the year I started to get chin hairs, so my first reaction was that having her for my role model could have disastrous results. But our Style Horoscope said we Oct. 8ers should follow Hanne’s example of grabbing life by the tail and swinging it around as  our long, Belgian hair swings around sexily. “You need to use all of your senses this year to derive the beautiful things from life that are out there waiting for you.”

Consider it done. Hell’s Angels guy and Netflix guy, are ya with me?

Our Relationship Horoscope claims that my bond with someone in my husband’s sign is tenuous at best.  “This is an on-again, off-again attraction. This is a complex connection, and you make an odd yet interesting couple.”

After 27 years, if your marriage is on-again, off-again, odd and interesting, that can be rather complex.

I hope all of my birthday mates have as great of a year as I’m planning to have, based on what the planets have lined up for us. May we all be ruled by Uranus.

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