Hoarders: They're OCD'ing All Over My Blog Now

I’ve written so many Facebook posts about my love for the show Hoarders that I figured I may as well bunch them all together, add a picture and call it a blog post.

I can’t seem to stop talking about that show.

I’m in good company because hoarders are so in right now. We’ve got Hoarders on A&E (heretofore known as Hoarders Classic: The Original); Hoarding: Buried Alive and Help! I’m a Hoarder! both on TLC; and Confessions: Animal Hoarding on Animal Planet. Even Oprah got in on it and did Hoarders: A Family’s Secret Life Exposed, which blew the lid right off the big plastic bin of hoarding shows for all the daytime TV watchers.

Who knew it was such a prevalent problem, that they could find enough people to fill all those shows, season after season? Hoarders have replaced midgets and former child stars with substance abuse problems as the darlings of reality TV.

I have to wonder, though, if there really are that many real hoarders. Think about it: If you get chosen to be on the show you get a home visit from a psychologist, a crew of cleaning people, and free on-site dumpster rental. All you have to do is stop throwing away your takeout containers for a few months, let the litter box get filled with cat poop, and go shopping. A lot. Then, when the cameras are rolling, you get your house professionally cleaned and organized, and you get some issues worked out with the shrink. Sit back and every few minutes make a fuss about a plastic lid and you’re golden.

I think some of those people are just slobs. Or lazy. Or wanting their 15 minutes of fame with a side of getting their cabinets cleaned out by someone else for free.

My husband thinks I’m a hoarder, because I keep things. I have my sisters under strict orders to come to my house the instant I die and protect my stuff, because my husband will start tossing things before rigor has set in. (Note to Kathy, Reenie and Pam: Don’t forget to check the garbage cans. He’s fast. Pickup is Tuesday and Friday mornings.)

But I am so not a hoarder. For one thing, I’ve got all of my junk in plastic bins, labeled in fat black Sharpie. And while I tend to keep things for sentimental reasons or because you never know when you’ll need an old boot cast or 3 yards of Elvis fabric, everything I save has some meaning or value. I’m not going to fight to keep an empty shampoo bottle or used Kleenex.

Guess what? The show Confessions: Animal Hoarding isn’t about squirrels. It’s about people who hoard animals. The folks at the Animal Planet network deserve kudos for capitalizing on a trend and making it their own.

And there could be more. Much, much more.

Knick-Knack Hoarders: Addicted to Porcelain

If you ever collected a type of animal or insect, if you have more than 3 Cat’s Meows of buildings that you have never been to and have no attachment to, if you have any Precious Moments figurines - any at all -  you could be a candidate for this show. You know that small shelving unit in Walmart near the jewelry and belts that has unicorn statues and resin eagles with their wings spread? If you’ve purchased one thing from this shelf you’re a knick-knack hoarder. Because one is too many.

Baby Hoarders: There’s Nothing Legally You Can Do to Stop Us

Hosted by Kate Gosselin and the Duggars, the show will feature Mormon and Catholic couples who can’t keep their hands off of each other. Little known fact: There is such a thing as too many kids. The show will focus on rude comments that childless couples blurt out to them in the mall. In the historical episode, the Von Trapp family is used as an example of how to put all those kids to a practical use.

Food Hoarders: When Stomachs Growl

Every time you turn around, you’re buying food.  Have you ever said: “Didn’t I just go grocery shopping last month?” “Why do these recipes all call for two, three, even four ingredients? Where does it all end?” or “I’m hungry!” You could be a food hoarder. Eating breakfast doesn’t keep you from getting hungry again at dinnertime. You could have issues. Food Hoarders will provide you with a psychologist to work out whatever it is that is causing you to rely on food to keep breathing. To be on the show, you’ll have to be OK with having people watch you chew.

Labels: , ,