A TV Camera is in My Living Room


Wednesday 3:00 p.m.

I will never make fun of anyone who screws up an on-camera interview again.

Yes, that means Sarah Palin and the Miss Teen South "like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like" Carolina. If you've never looked into a camera and had that feeling that there were words - unconnected, irrelevant words - building up around your esophagus and you knew they were ready to come spilling out in random order, you have the luxury of being able to laugh at those two and everyone else on The Colbert Report. I no longer can.

I'm getting ready to make my big national TV debut, the camera man is setting up my dining room to look like a smart, savvy media personality lives in my house, and I'm going to be on The Today Show tomorrow.

I'm starting this blog because after my interview, I think Steve the cameraman may want to film me typing at my computer and I want to be able to say I'm actually writing my blog. No Fakey McFakerson here.

I only had a couple hours lead time, which I squandered by taking a shower. (Like anyone will care if I'm Irish Spring fresh. Stupid!) It wasn't until I was fully invested in the shower (meaning I was finished with it and my hair was soaking wet) that I got a call that instead of having another two hours I would have 45 minutes. The cameraman was coming early. Did I mind? No, I don't mind. I have an incurable desire to make everyone think I'm Superwoman and can pull off a national TV interview in a few minutes. Forget about the fact just hours ago, before I got the call about this interview, I was singing along to The Music Man soundtrack and Googling why Jimmy Johnson would do ExtenZe commercials.

I didn't need that last hour to prepare for the interview. I spent 10 minutes obsessing over which capri pants de-emphasize my cankles.

I dried my hair quickly, ironed a shirt and spent the last few minutes stashing all embarrassing and politically incorrect items from the house. The Pope John Paul II bobblehead is in a drawer. As is the fat picture that my son Mike Photoshopped for me, which is supposed to inspire me to lose weight and gain self esteem. We don't want innocent Americans seeing that before 9 a.m.

He's almost ready for me. I can feel words from a medical dictionary and the AP Stylebook building up around my tonsils.

4 p.m.

adjlka fkjljdirueioa flo ok typig here just typing away the camera is in my face on my god its so lcose djdkdidssf camera on the keyboard now hoe it's not on the screen because this isn't bery intersting  jfkd a stitch in time saves nine sl'jfd f is this evry going to end. I'm typing as fast as I can area you almost done saving lintk omment moderation editing sjfdkjlsiodl new post just humor me I like my alculator

5:30 p.m.

He's gone. After the interview, I was filmed typing, driving, and then making sauce for dinner tonight. I chopped onions and tomatoes until they were pulverized. We could have tomato onion bisque for four without getting out the blender.

I hope my Just Humor Me readers will tune in to The Today Show Thursday, Aug. 5, to see me talk about how to be an assertive stay-at-home parent. Assertive, as in, not letting someone talk you into these kinds of shenanigans.

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