And This is the Last You're Going to Hear About This

Dear Meredith,

Hi! How are you? I am fine.

Well, not really. I was on your Today Show on Thursday. Remember me? Teal blue t-shirt? Shoulder-length reddish brown hair? Shitty attitude? I was the one chopping tomatoes and onions at my kitchen counter while some lady said, “The stay-at-homers are angry and they say they’re not taking it anymore!

Yeah, well, ouch.

My memory is menopausally spotty and I’m not saying I’ve never blacked out before, but I’m almost positive I never said I was actually angry. And as far as leading a Doormat Rebellion - I’ve been signed up for not-so-warm-and-fuzzy things without my knowledge, but even my worst enemy wouldn’t do that to me. (How do you organize a doormat rebellion anyway? Who would volunteer to bring refreshments? The meetings would suck.)

A friend of mine suggested I get a publicist and take my new role as the fed-up lady to the bank.

“I think we should play it up, issue a half-hearted apology, retract it, issue a more defiant statement, mock Sarah Palin via Twitter, drink a little too much wine with Hoda and Kathie Lee, clean it up with George Stephanopoulos, claim having eight kids would be easy and that Kate can't dance, do a self-deprecating turn on Ellen, launch your Doormat Rebellion household décor line of products exclusively at Target, guest star as yourself on Glee, record a controversial slam-poetry-for-sassy-sisters album, go to church with Al Sharpton, publish a ‘lessons learned’ book, jump on Oprah's couch and retire in style.”

Or I could try to get my book about moving published, I suggested.

“Nobody cares about moving,” he snapped. People prefer fed-up.

He even had some suggestions for the Doormat Rebellion décor line - actual doormats that had catchy phrases like “No Means No,” “This is the Only Doormat on the Property" and "I'm Pro-Choice: You Can Choose to Wipe Your Feet or Mop My Floor."

Everybody wants to be famous, but I don’t want to be famous for being fed-up. I don’t know if anyone has noticed, but I’m trying to be famous for being funny.

And besides, have I not mentioned that I’m a Hubbard girl? We are notoriously chipper and obliging. (I did not say easy; I said obliging. Calm down, you Girard boys.)

And to think, before my segment came on, I was feeling sorry for the guy who had two wives and got busted on Facebook. He looked scared and slightly ashamed of his young trophy wife sitting next to him. I thought, “At least I’m not him, sitting in the studio having to worry about doing an on-air interview.”

I also clucked a little bit at another woman who was quoted with me in the Wall Street Journal; she said her neighbors are always imposing on her. How could you say that in a national newspaper unless all the neighbors were already dead?

I haven’t been outside without dark glasses and cover of night since yesterday’s Today Show. The upside is that I’ve got some extra time on my hands, seeing as I can no longer do any yard work.

If they do see me, I’m hoping they won’t recognize me as the TO’d lady in the teal blue t-shirt with the extra 10 pounds of camera weight.

So, back to you, Meredith. I completely understand that you had a story to tell and you couldn’t very well tell it yourself. After all, you’re not a fed-up stay-at-homer. The problem is, neither am I.

I’m sure the repercussions will fade away. But for now, my friends and family are having a laugh riot with my situation. I went to the beach on Thursday and my husband suggested I draw a line in the sand. Again. My friend had a baby and on Friday I sent her a note offering to watch her older two kids. I had to preface the offer with “I know how ridiculous this sounds in light of recent events . . .”

I’ve been known to find humor in the most unlikely events of my uneventful life. I hit the motherlode with this one. I squeezed three blog posts out of it.

Sincerely yours,

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick
CEO Doormat Rebellion Decor - "For Sassy Stay-at-Homers"

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