Bleached Blondes to the Rescue

The oil that is being vomited into the Gulf of Mexico at the rate of 201,000 gallons a day will make your head spin, it’s so horrible. The bad news is, well, everything. Everything, plus this disaster has ferreted out a few additional crazies. There are actually some people who stayed under the radar on the global warming and evolution vetting process, and now they’re coming out by saying a) the amount of oil surging into the gulf is really no big deal; there is oil that leaks out into the ocean all the time. It’s perfectly natural. Perfectly natural to have pink oil slicks washing up on the shore. And b) President Obama personally caused this disaster so he could have his own Katrina, just like W, and it would be a great reason to halt all off-shore drilling, something he wanted to do all along. I’m telling you, that Obama is one busy guy. Does he ever take a break from all that evil plotting to take over the world, one sea turtle at a time?

But the good news is that this oil disaster has made South Florida come shining through in all its bleached blonde glory.  Peroxide shades of blonde hair are actually a solution to soaking up the oil.

I was sitting in the color room of my salon the other day, trying to figure out whether the plastic from the earpieces of my reading glasses would react with hair dye and cause me to become an accidental LA Law redhead around the temples, when one of the stylists came around collecting old hair. She said she was going to send it to this place where they’re going to stuff human hair into pantyhose and line them up on the shoreline to absorb the oil when it washes up.

Apparently one of the purposes of our hair is to soak up all the oil in our scalps, which makes our hair a natural sponge, specifically for oil. This explains why my hair was so greasy when I was a pre-teen: I had my own BP Gulf of Mexico oil spill going on right on top of my head.

The hair collection movement was fast in organizing. As of May 5, more than 400,000 pounds of hair has been donated to make hair sausages, according to the New York Times. Pantyhose companies are donating hosiery and even dog groomers are getting in on the action. They’re sending dog hair as well.

Some people are hosting hair-sausage-stuffing parties, where everyone gets some nylon hose, a bag of hair and a plunger or a piece of PVC pipe and they start stuffing.

“It’s very nasty looking,” one woman said. This isn’t Bunco, girls. Saving the world is not always pretty. Although, a party’s a party. If I went to a hair-sausage-stuffing party, I would want there to be snacks, wine and prizes. (Free hair cut?)

Apparently, the more color-treated, stripped out, and bleached out your hair is, the better it will absorb oil. I take back everything I ever said about the South Florida blondes. As it turns out, they’re saving the world.

Expect to see some Annie Lennox haircuts around here soon, since all the unnatural blondes are surely going to want to get a haircut and quick. And if you were planning to cut your tresses anyway, why not go blonde first? If for no other reason, do it for the baby turtles. Do it for Florida.

Labels: , , , ,