Coldness, Florida Style

It is really cold in south Florida right now. We spend 11 months out of the year bragging about how we live in paradise, and it’s hard to shut our pie holes and not complain when it drops below 72. We try, but not very hard.

This month, however, has been brutal on the bragging rights. I’m wearing my winter coat, the one I bought and wore in Kentucky. I wore it with a wool scarf when I went to the art museum on Sunday.

I’m the only one in my family who didn’t burn my winter gloves in a ceremonial moving-to-Florida celebration, so my little lime green Dollar Store gloves are being passed around to the highest bidder.

My son went to Buffalo last week to visit his girlfriend and we broke down and bought him gloves and dug out his winter coat from the storage bins in the top of my closet. The fact that he hasn’t put it back in yet is a sad, sad state of Florida affairs. Honestly, I never thought I’d see that stuff again. I thought I’d be in sleeveless tees, capris and sandals until I died or went back up north for the holidays, whichever came first.

We’re complaining a lot and acting as if it’s never ever been so cold down here, but I was just reading old blogs and saw that I posted one titled “It’s Frickin’ Freezing” about this time last year.

It’s hard to say how cold it actually was back then, since we humans are programmed to forget painful and disappointing experiences (like childbirth and long car trips home from vacations).

This year is definitely colder, though, since this is the first time I’ve read this in the news:

KEY BISCAYNE - How cold was it in South Florida this week? Cold enough to cause iguanas to drop out of trees in Key Biscayne.

(Thanks, Paulette, for showing me this story.)

The article goes on to say that the iguanas - coldblooded reptiles that can get as big as 6 feet long - go into a hibernation-type coma when the temp falls below 50. They lose their grip on the tree branch and fall. And then they apparently just lie there on the sidewalk like a bunch of homeless alcoholics, waiting for the weather to warm up.

Before I read that, I felt sorry for people vacationing in Florida right now. It’s below freezing at night down here. During the day, we’re not going to the beach, and we’re staying inside our boring Florida buildings, the insides of which will put you to sleep they’re so blah. We’ve covered up all of our beautiful, tropical plants with old paint tarps. A vacation here would suck right now. There are very few indoor activities at our disposal.

But now that I’ve read that article, I’m worried about the northern vacationers getting hit on the head with falling comatose iguanas. You shouldn’t have to bring a hardhat to the Sunshine State.

Stay up north, y’all. When you hear us stop whining and the bragging resumes, you’ll know it’s safe to plan that trip to paradise.

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