Call the Fashion Police

We’ve got an issue down here in south Florida that is just too bizarre for words. Unless the words are “This is bizarre.” In the town of Riviera Beach, there is an ordinance banning guys from wearing their pants down so low that the tops of their boxers show.

You heard me.

Apparently the disquietude that we old people feel when we see a guy with no rear end - really, flat as a pancake - wearing his belt at the top of his thighs and yet the pants still don’t fall down has reached the point where somebody shouted out, “That should be illegal!” And so it was. Americans and old people like to ban things that we can’t explain.

It’s still a mystery to me how the pants can stay up. I know when they walk, they often hang onto their pants by the crotch, but that still doesn’t explain why there are not pants dropping all over the sidewalks of the inner city when guys let go to answer their cell phones or buy something from a street vendor. Like How Airplanes Full of Heavy People Can Stay Up in the Air and How Computers Work, I’m adding How Ghetto Pants Stay Up to my list of things I don’t understand.

In Riviera Beach, it’s not illegal for women to wear low-slung jeans that show a thong when they bend over. It’s not illegal to wear a Speedo without any pants at all. Just the baggy pants and boxers thing. The people of Riviera Beach have become consumed by your-pants-are-falling down angst.

So this one kid got arrested for having falling-down pants and had to spend a night in jail and now he’s decided to test the law in court. His lawyer says it’s absurd that a fashion statement can be legislated and he’s right. Nothing is being exposed, really. Boxers are only half underwear anyway. They could easily be worn as shorts or swim trunks and in some circles be considered spiffy.

My son, always one to want to test authority, wants to take an old pair of jeans and sew a pair of boxers to the waistband and wear these half boxer-half jean pants to Riviera Beach and walk around nonchalantly, waiting to be arrested and then yell, “Ha! Those aren’t my boxers showing! Those are part of my pants! Perfectly legal!” as he’s being carted away to Riviera Beach jail, which I’m told is a barrel of fun. The last time he tested The Man he stayed in a Fazoli’s restaurant from the time it opened at 9 a.m. until it closed at midnight. He didn’t get kicked out. He showed them.

We’ll see how this court case goes, whether or not Riviera Beach can legislate sensible clothing. If it turns out that we can, there are some other things I’d like to ban in south Florida:

Tight layered t-shirts that barely cover a muffin top
Those come in sizes larger than a 0, you know. I have nothing against muffin tops. I’ve got some spillage myself, especially when I’m wearing anything other than my Mom Jeans from Kohls. But cover that thing up with something blousey, so we all don’t have to see it, please.

Cleavage in the workplace
A good rule to follow is: If Mary Richards wore it with confidence around Lou and Murray, you can wear it and still get promoted.

Anyone over 40 in a two-piece
And that includes you, lady I saw at the beach last weekend. I don’t care how much plastic surgery you’ve had done, how much fat they sucked out of you and how much skin they pulled back. I don’t care if you’re a walking drum of Botox. I don’t want to see that belly button one more time. As strongly as I feel about this, there’s a tiny part of me that wants to say, “Yeah! You show ‘em!” But only if the person is really, really nice.

People who are too tan
Enough already with the tans, Floridians. If you want to be black, go live in Sweden.

I’m willing to give them another five or six months grace period and then I’ll consider grandfathering in some of the ones you already own, but only for kids 6-10.

Heavy bangs
Just don’t like them this year.

That reddish brown hair that looks purplish in some lights
I thought we put that bad boy to bed when LA Law went off the air. But apparently it’s back with a vengeance. I had a Julia doll when I was little. It was the first black Barbie and it was the nurse character from the show Julia, starring Diahann Carroll. When left in my basement for about seven years, her short black hair turned that same reddish purple that you see on many brunettes. So for me, reddish purple hair means you’ve been in a moldy basement too long.

Popped collars
Another ‘80s fashion trend that should have been sent to the archives in about 1982. If you’re still turning up the back of the collar on your Izod shirt, you’re getting a citation.

Comb-overs, hair plugs and other ways to masquerade male baldness
Since David put a ring of leaves on his head after he defeated Goliath, men have been going bald. I think it’s time that everyone got used to the idea and learned to deal with it. Repeat after me: Men go bald. See? It’s not the end of the world. There are enough women who would take Captain Picard over Fabio to make it worth your while to just get over it.

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