Scarlett Johansson's Clone

Let me take time out of my busy day and yours to tell you that Scarlett Johansson, who we all loved in Lost in Translation but not so much in everything since then, is a clone, created by Helmut Kohl and other Germans in secret laboratories in Ludwigshafen. They took a normal German girl, Scarlett Galabekian (who is a nice girl, not damn sexy) and cloned her into this, this, damn sexy actress who is not even a little bit Christian.

It would be really nice if we could all just slow down Scarlett Johansson’s acting career a little bit. Scarlett Galabekian’s parents would appreciate it.

I know all of this because of an email I received this week, from someone who calls himself Serg and who is extremely upset about the cloning thing. So upset that he forgets his English a little bit and is reduced to run-on sentences. He says Helmut and the other German cloners have a Nazi-like tenacity in their quest to clone as many people as possible.

Serg, who kindly attached a Financial Times article to the email, had this word of warning: So be careful. Get close with clones, you will be controlled as well.

Egad! It may be too late for me. I keep seeing people that remind me so much of other people, that I feel like I’m in a Publix full of clones sometimes.

And I just saw another Scarlett Johansson on a Web page called What Celebrities Would Look Like if They Lived in Missouri. I’m not sure where these pictures were originally cloned - um, I mean - Photoshopped, but they’re all over the Internet so they belong to all of us now, and by that I mean me. I took the liberty of posting one above.

Because we Americans are enterprising and most of us don’t have jobs anymore, some 20-year-olds stayed up all night one night and spun off What Celebrities Would Look Like If They Lived in Ohio, What Celebrities Would Look Like If They Lived in Tennessee, and What Celebrities Would Look Like Naked on My Futon.

As far as I know there isn’t a What Celebrities Would Look Like If They Were from Germany, but that’s where you’d see Scarlett Galabekian’s photo.

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