Cookies for the Apple Genius

Last week was a tough week. I had three tiny problems with my Web site and I decided to try to work them out. It had been on my List of Things to Do That My Husband Won’t Do For Me on Saturday since my husband said, “I’m not fixing that for you on Saturday.”

In the course of doing it with just myself and the Apple guys, I completely screwed up my site, lost my blog altogether, spent two days on the phone with either India or Seattle, ate two boxes of reject Girl Scout cookies, and developed an afternoon drinking problem. This is what happens when you can’t just be happy with things being just OK and you strive for perfection.

I had to go for it, though. If for no other reason, to try out Apple’s new tech support service: You go online and briefly describe your problem, and choose the option “call me.” As soon as I clicked, my phone rang. Eery.

It was Joseph, an Apple genius who listened patiently as I described my three little problems in the least possible technical terms: The link thingy-doodles don’t work and I think it’s because my Web page address is so full of %s :s and other punctuation, it looks like a swear word; the comments on my blog don’t work and I have a feeling my readers have a lot of funny things to say; and the automatic email that I can send out to let my friends know I’ve written a new blog doesn’t have good links in it. “This last one is not me, I don’t even write the thing,” I told him. “That’s all you people.”

Joseph fixed the first two problems and in the process of fixing the third one lost my entire blog. We had a frustrating 45-minutes where he kept saying, “OK, now drag and drop the blog back into your site.” And I kept whimpering, “I’m trying and it won’t go in. I’m dragging, dragging, . . . now dropping . . . it’s not going in oh god ohgod ohgodohgod this is not good . . .” I was rocking back and forth in my chair like Rain Man. Then I couldn’t even get a new blog created and soon I couldn’t do anything.

You know things are not going well when the Apple genius says, “Do you back up your files by any chance?”

Joseph transferred me to Apple Special Forces Super Genius Dominic, whose job it was to get me off the phone before I started to cry. Dominic told me to send him some stuff and gave me his “personal email” and phone number. I never heard from him again. As it turns out Dominic doesn’t know a thing about computers, he just knows how to let the ladies down gently.

“You never call, you never write,” I said in an email, after leaving him three voice mails.

So I tossed my case number and started all over again. This time I got Entry Level But Rising Star Genius Lester, who is my new best friend. He not only saved Just Humor Me but he made it better and took out all the %s and bleeped out swear words and made it easier for me to do a complete redesign.

Lester could have my first born child if he wanted him. If I was certain that Lester lived in the continental United States, I would bake him some cookies. If he ever vacations in Florida, I’d invite him to dinner and would try hard not to ask him to jazz up our iTunes while he was here.

These guys are unbelievable. Not only can they solve really complicated problems like blogs that disappear into cyberspace, but they can hold in their laughter and disgust when moronic housewives say things like, “Domain? I don’t know. My husband does all that.” By the end of our two-day long relationship, Lester had totally given in to me and was foregoing all terms that even resembled technological terms and was saying things like, “Now click on the little house” and “See the pink square with the cloud? There you go!”

So my blog is back and my Web site is all new and powerful and swear-word free. Do me a favor: Leave me a comment and see what happens. If smoke starts to come out of your computer, call Lester.

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