A Christmas Letter I'd Like to See

Dear Family, Fiends, and Those of You Who Ended up on My List for Whatever Reason,

Can you believe Christmas is finally here? I’ve been waiting for what seems like eons for it to finally arrive. This year has just crawled. As I get older time just goes slower and slower. I got out my decorations months ago and with all this time on my hands, I’ve just been waiting for the appropriate time to start celebrating this holiday.

Although time marches on and our kids are getting older, we don’t have enough to do. The kids go to school almost every day, but they’re not involved in anything else, so we do a lot of sitting around waiting for holidays to come up and mini-marathons to come on TV.

Ralph hates his job. He hasn’t had a promotion in years and hasn’t gotten any awards or incentives and this year didn’t even quality for a free turkey. It’s only a matter of time before they realize he’s still working there and stop giving him the measly paycheck he brings home.

Becky is as slutty as ever and she’s only 13. We took the door off of her bedroom this year, so now we all get to listen to Marilyn Manson.

Bill watches a lot of TV. He hasn’t applied to any colleges yet, even though he’s pretty sure he’ll finally graduate this time. His guidance counselor seems to think he could get a job in Hollywood what with all the TV he watches. She thinks he might be an expert. But he really only watches it. Very little of it sinks in, except the violence part.

Like I said before, I don’t have enough to do and some days don’t even use the car at all.

We did go to our annual block party in June. I made a new recipe I found on the online, for parsley salad. No one at the block party touched it, so we got to bring it home and eat it for supper.

Our dog and all but one of her puppies died in September. We thought we were going to lose Dad this year, but he just keeps on breathing, despite all the surgeries. I would go into more detail about them, but it’s really, really gross and I don’t want to ruin your winter like ours has been ruined.

So that’s about it. We didn’t take any vacations this year. Ralph was afraid to take any time off work for fear they would remove his desk and stapler while he was gone. He has to stay under the radar, but still be in his chair every day, just to be safe.

Hope you and yours have a wonderful holiday and a bright and cheery New Year!