This Just In: Suri Has a Boog

I don’t think famous people should be allowed to adopt kids. I’m going to go out on a limb here and take it one step further. I don’t think they should be allowed to bear children, either.

I know we live in a country where we all “have rights.” But if I have to get my doctor’s permission to get contacts from 1800CONTACTS, I think there should at least be a form you have to fill out before you’re allowed to get new people.

I have some suggestions for some of the questions on the form.

If you answer yes to any of the above, I don’t think you should have kids. Hollywood people are too self absorbed to have children. Not that they won’t give the kids the attention that they deserve, but they’ll give them too much attention and bore us to death with the details of the contents of every diaper, every trip to the zoo and the length of each nap. I think Brad Pitt is as hot as they come, but if I have to see one more picture of him and those six little hippie children I’m going to lose my Frito and martini lunch.

And the pictures aren’t as bad as the interviews. It’s only a matter of time before one of them opens his mouth and something like this comes out: “It wasn’t until I had the baby that I realized how precious life is. That there’s this little person, this tiny, precious little human being who depends on me. I didn’t know love until I had Ptolemy.”

Really? Huh, funny, because the rest of us think our babies are just little spit-up factories and our lives didn’t change at all when we had them. You’re the first person to have this epiphany about your values and the meaning of life because you’re a parent now. It must be because you’re so famous.

Clay Aiken is all over People magazine (which seems crazy out of control; there’s a new issue every few hours, or is it my imagination?) killing two birds with one stone - My Newborn Baby Changed My Life and, oh, by the by, I’m Gay! Apparently the newborn baby didn’t change his life all that much.

People is the absolute best for celebrity babies. It had so many to cover that it started a spin-off magazine called Celebrity Babies, because babies are so in right now and they need their own magazine. If you’re famous and you’re not able to have a baby of your own, just get on a boat and go adopt one! The black ones are cuter anyway and you get double credit for saving a child from a life of having only one bathroom in the house.

Soon Celebrity Babies will have to spin off a magazine called Baby Bump because in their quest to be one step ahead of everything, that’s what we’re now watching for. If you’re photographed shopping on Rodeo Drive and the wind blows your top a little bit, the next thing you know you’re in Celebrity Baby Bump Watch with big question marks all around your stomach.

And then in between your complaints about how photographers are always swarming around you, you can tell us how life has new meaning now and having life inside your baby bump is an incredible miracle.

Tell us again about the time you skipped Charlie Sheen’s New Year’s party just to watch your baby sleep.

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