The Big Purge of 2008


Moving Day T-Minus 10. The purge continues. 

Project Alpha - Successfully talked nephew and his friend into taking two couches, three chairs, two table desks, office furniture, a sentimental-albeit-ugly rocker and three bags of toddler play clothes and onesies on the condition that they also take a box of half-filled vodka bottles.

Project Beta - Had Habitat for Humanity come with a truck and take a porch full of Barbie accessories, weights, Christmas dishes, electronic adapters that don’t fit on anything that’s made today, old VHS tapes, the world’s largest dried flower wreath, and my expensive-albeit-functionless baker’s rack. I didn’t have to bribe anyone for this project, plus I got a receipt. Triple word score.

Unexpected Bonus Coup - New Realtor stopped by for a quick walk-through and left with a set of child’s left-handed golf clubs. He promised to come back for some Easter decorations. I haven’t seen him since.

Project Ceta - Had nephew’s friend and his other friend come back and get one more couch, another chair, the lipgloss I found in the cushions and then stuck back in when I realized it had no value (I stuck some other makeup in there while I was at it), a lawn mower, weed whacker, two seed spreaders, three gas cans and a leaf blower. Hypnosis was required for the last eight items, since neither of these guys are going to do any lawn work.

Project Deta - Called all friends. Invited them over for lunch. When they got here, there was no lunch, only plastic containers of unidentified frozen leftovers. Before they were allowed to leave, they each had to take at least one container, a can of soup, a container of decorative cookie sprinkles and a twin bed frame.

Project Eta - Took flowers and wine to the greeter at Goodwill. He’ll now take all of our liquids and flammables, as long as they’re disguised as stylish, good-condition clothes.

Project Feta - Speaking of cheese, that reminds me. Note to self: Tell Jack to clean out all the food and dishes from under his bed before the movers get here.

Project Geta - Placed a display of broken things on the curb for garbage day, 24 hours in advance, to allow maximum trash-picking exposure. By the time the garbage man arrived, our trash had been visited by a convoy of Beverlyhillbillies, who took it all, including our regular garbage and recycling and a tree that was planted nearby.

Project Heta - Continue to put one Happy Meal toy, Barbie doll or Power Ranger per day in mailbox for the mailman. 

Project Iota - Stuffed gloves, boots, scarves, sleds, shovels and other winter items we’ll never use again into bushes, trees and ground cover, where they’ll go unnoticed until winter, when the new homeowners may find some use for them.

My friend Tara called today and said, “I heard you were having a porch sale last weekend.”

That wasn’t a porch sale. I was throwing tools and knickknacks at cars passing by. Project Jeta compete.