Beauty Tips from Religious Extremists

“Women on the ranch, they’ve suggested, simply look young, because they don’t wear makeup and their all-natural diet keeps their skin healthy. They avoid almost all processed foods and all of their dairy products come from their own cows - cheese, butter and unpasteurized milk.”

And they keep their bangs out of their eyes.

It seems the gals at the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints have pulled a fast one on all of us. Those little vixens purposefully looked extra young so everyone would think they were minors, being brainwashed into having babies too young. And by everyone, I mean their husbands, their husbands’ other wives, and the FBI.

At least one girl who was rescued from the compound in Texas was thought to be a 16-year-old. She was 27.

Oops. Our bad.

At one of my class reunions, my friend Sandy and I were talking about how some people in our class looked much younger than some others. “It’s all that clean living,” Sandy said. Neither of us wanted to say it, but it’s the nerdier girls who look better now. The girls who smoked in the bathrooms between classes and drank Rolling Rock in the parking lot after school weren’t holding up as well 25 years later. We admired their guts back then, and yes, they did land the cooler guys, but we all knew payback would be a bitch.

Talk about your revenge of the nerds.

If only we had listened to our mothers! My mom told me that if I drank more water, stopped eating Combos, and got my hair off my face, my physical appearance would improve.

Who knew that a barrette and a Brita might’ve gotten me a couple extra husbands 10 years out of high school.

The girls in the Texas polygamist compound must’ve been secretly proud of this gaffe.  Inside, they were pumping their fists and saying, “Yessss!” 

They deserve it. They’ll never know the thrill of being carded at 29, so let’s give them their moment.