Diane to Earth: Attention - I Have a Lot to Say

If I were to invent a radio station, I would be rich and famous. Because my idea for a radio station is way better than my other inventions and that’s saying a lot. [I’ve invented a better traffic light, a voice activated Palm/organizer that rewards you for talking to yourself while cleaning the house alone, and lots of other cool stuff. Not to brag, but I also invented bowling shoes worn with jeans outside of the bowling alley, and music videos, years before either of them took off. No one would believe me, especially on the music video thing, so I don’t tell too many people. My first video was for the Beatles “Golden Slumbers” and it was both edgy and emotional.]

But my radio station would be my best invention yet. It would be the ultimate call-in talk show. Every morning I’d give 10 people the air for up to 10 minutes or so, to tell the world everything they want everyone to know. No preset topic, just whatever the average Joe wants to spew.

My first guest opinionator would be me. I have several groups of people I need to address directly and this radio show would be perfect.

  1. 1.To all drivers: I’ve got a bunch of things to say to all of you. A) Use your turn signals. I’ve screamed this at you multiple times but the windows were rolled up and you couldn’t hear me. B) I would have let you out in front of me, but you had to have those tinted windows and I couldn’t see your face or make eye contact, so your loss. You can just wait now.  C) Get off the phone. D) Those cigarettes are going to kill you. E) I hope you’re happy cutting me off and driving so fast. I hope you get where you’re going on time, because you’re such a jerk. F)  Ohhhhhh, big tough guy! Aren’t you Mr. Cool in your idiotic Hummer? Jerk! E) You idiot!!!!

  1. 2.To the Lifetime for Women Channel executives: What the hell were you thinking? Putting Carson Kressley on those commercials for Fa La La La Lifetime. Please. We’re women, not morons. The man is as cringe-inducing in his looks as he is in his voice. The only thing more uncomfortable than watching him on the screen is watching that blond woman with him. And that commercial where her throat closes up because she’s allergic to shellfish and he is such a shit-for-brains that he doesn’t even go get help? Do you think we find that funny? She said she can’t breathe! Choking isn’t funny. Neither are airhead effeminate men with collagen-injected lips who don’t know how to respond to a medical emergency.

  1. 3.To President Bush: I’m really disappointed in you. I didn’t vote for you, but my opinion counts and I think you’re fairly sucky. I’m important enough to be talking on your radio right now, so . . . just  . . . yeah.

  1. 4.To Panasonic: In case you haven’t noticed, I stopped buying all of your products because of a bad experience I had when one of your customer service reps told me I had to put my entire phone in a box and ship it to her because of a problem I was having with a separately purchased headset. She’s stupid, you’re stupid, and you just lost a customer for life. I wrote you a letter but I think you never got it because I never heard anything back from you.

  1. 5.To the telephone solicitor who hung up on me seven years ago: You really have a not of nerve. You’re  the one who called me, so you’re really not allowed to hang up on me when I politely asked to speak to your supervisor. And saying “Have a blessed day” before cutting me off doesn’t make it all OK.

That should take up the first six or seven minutes of my radio time. I don’t want to overdo it. It may intimidate the guest opinionators who follow me.

Start making your list. Because this radio talk show thing could really take off. My inventions often are implemented by other people, people who steal my good ideas and get their butts up off their chairs, walk away from the computer, turn off daytime TV and actually do something with their lives, like steal other people’s ideas . . .

Okay, I just thought of Number 6.